Sunday, March 18, 2012

Bomb Detonates in Nation’s Capitol during Marathon

WAHINGTON D.C. - A bomb ripped through downtown city streets during Saturday’s marathon event.
Though authorities are currently tracking several possible leads the source of the blast remains unknown.  The bomb denoted on 9th Street, SW just as a marathoners ran through a tunnel under the National Mall.
In the wake of the blast there were no deaths and only one reported casualty.
When confronted about the attack, Washington D.C. Chief of Police, Cathy Lanier, responded “this is a load of crap. So a runner blew up during the marathon?  Who cares?  We have real police work to do in this City.”
Former Washington D.C. resident and runner, Neal Gorman, was stricken by the bomb.
Mr. Gorman, a recent transplant to Charlottesville, Virginia, who suffered severe cramping, dehydration and a complete loss of energy from the explosion, somehow managed to finish the 26.2 mile foot race, covering an additional 11 miles after the attack.
“That was not a bomb,” Mr. Gorman responded when asked of the incident.
“I had just blown up.  Not been 'blown up' by an actual bomb.”
In interviews with apparent race spectators and Saint Patrick's Day revelers, wearing large, green foam hats, the reports are similar.  A single, loud booming sound reverberated from one end of the 9th Street tunnel to the other.  No fireballs or physical damage occurred from the blast, only the sound and physical trauma suffered by Mr. Gorman onlookers witnessed as he slowly emerged from the south entrance of the tunnel with a quizzical gaze and crippled stride.
“At first I didn’t realize that I had blown up, only that I wanted to quit.  Then I realized everything hurt, I had nowhere to go and the only thing for me to do was to continue following course markers.  It was hell.”
Moments after the blast the news went viral on social media and shortly thereafter marathon event director, Malain McCormick, tweeted “#SoWutRunnersAlwazBlowUp@OurRaces”.
Seemingly un-phased by the attack, or the disregard of Chief Lanier or Mr. McCormick over the severity of the incident, Mr. Gorman promises to return immediately to running and to Washington D.C. to run in a future marathon event.
“Seriously.  It wasn’t a bomb.  I just blew up is all.  Get your facts straight," said Mr. Gorman.


  1. Glad to hear you didn't take any of your fellow runners out when you blew up.

  2. At least the bomb didn't take your sense of humor...

  3. It was a tough day out there, Neil. I saw you at the start with Keith before you took off. The bomb hit me as well around the same place, and I stumbled on to finish in 3:09. Like you said, there will certainly be other marathons in the DC area!

  4. The bomb/wall is an amazing thing, no? I've only experienced it once (Marine Corps Marathon) and I had always doubted it's existence until it happened. It was just a bonk, but a 100% wall/explosion/humbling kind of bonk. Looking forward to hanging out at WS/UTMB. Two races where that type of bonk hopefully isn't possible (there will be lots of bonking going on, but of a more subtle nature).